10 guys you will meet on Plenty of Fish

As a journalist, I come into contact with all kinds of people. Nice people, interesting people, people who call me at 3am and ask me to pay the interest on their Wonga loan. So when I first joined Plenty of Fish, there was definitely a morbid curiosity as to who I would end up speaking to.

SPOILER: I deleted it after a month because I was absolutely deluged with weirdos.

But in between, I spoke to some really nice guys and even met up with a few. From my short-lived foray into online dating, I think I have a rough idea of the kind of men out there. So I have compiled an advisory list of the 10 guys you will meet on Plenty of Fish:

1) Guys who are one more ‘Sorry, I have a boyfriend’ away from becoming serial killers

These guys have been cheated on. They have been rejected. They have been conned and swindled and left a shrivelled prune of the man they used to be, and good Lord, do they want to tell you about it. Every time you try and initiate a conversation, they will spin a tale of woe. You will end up wanting to shake them and tell them the reason they’re not getting laid is not because women are evil, but because they suck the life out of you like a Dementor and they need to stop being whiny.

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2) Guys who seem to have learned how to speak to girls from an 18th century manual

‘Good evening, Madame,’ these guys type. ‘Might I interest you in an evening exchange of intellectual rigour?’ Eh? You will squint at your phone while you’re trying to simultaneously cook dinner and bid on something on eBay. Wot u chat bout. I get the impression these guys are trying to mark themselves out from the ‘Hey how r u’ tribe, but after a long day at work, I just want someone to tell me I’m pretty and offer to take me out for dinner.

3) Guys who say: ‘Don’t message me if…’

Don’t message me if you’re not interested in meeting up. Don’t message me if you’re only interested in my wallet. Don’t message me if you want a baby daddy. Don’t message me if you look nothing like your pictures, these guys will seethe in their profiles. Well excuuuuuuuuuuse me, Mr BanterNFootie_87.

4) Guys who are douchebags but you kind of dig it

Maybe they told you they’re a fireman. Maybe they’re a bit older than you. Maybe they live in a remote cabin in the woods where they could either a) show you a good time or b) kill you and then taunt the local police force with letters and bits of your skin. But either way, when they make some sultry suggestions, a tiny part of you considers it.

5) Guys who are so nice that you end up messaging them purely because you’d feel abusive if you didn’t

These guys are so lovely, so thoughtful and kind. They think up intelligent conversation starters that they have personalised from your profile just for you. They ask you how your day has been. They ask about your ambitions. They want to know you as a person, rather than as a vagina with arms and legs. But there’s just no party in your pants*. You message them back not because you want to, but because not doing so would be like punching a puppy in the throat. Eventually emailing 16 people you don’t fancy becomes too arduous and you disappear into the shadows, knowing you are a terrible person and this is why you will die alone.

6) Guys who send you well-intended but decidedly odd first messages

Like this guy. I get it. I put in my profile that I like hairy chests. I see what he was trying to do. I feel you, SingleGuy1986. But it was just a smidgen too far with the ‘you can walk on it if you like’. And a second guy who pointed out I was older than him also cracked a joke about me shaving my fanny a few messages later. But when I met him in an EXTREMELY PUBLIC PLACE, he was lovely. Some guys just have no idea how to text.

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7) Guys who message you 187653 times if you don’t reply within five minutes

I am super ignorant. I can go for two weeks without speaking to my family. So when some randy little s0-and-so triple-texts me because I haven’t responded immediately, it gets right on my tits. But a lot of guys seem to think it is their God-given right to get a swift response, and if they don’t get one pronto they succumb to a complete breakdown and send a squirrel emoji.

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8) Guys who have one thing on their minds…as long as you live within an 18-mile radius

This was the one thing I was expecting when I joined PoF. And I received a lorra lorra explicit messages. Personal fave: the guy who called me a cunt after I said no to meeting up with him half-way for sex since he couldn’t be bothered driving for 18 miles. Read my post on this here.

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9) Guys you’re not interested in, but they have a really cute cat

These guys don’t float your boat, but OH MY GOD they have a cat. As you message, you begin to plot ways in which you can nudge them out of the picture and hook up with the cat instead. “Maybe I should meet the cat by itself the first time,” you suggest casually. “You know, just to be on the safe side.”

10) Guys whose profiles are so terrible that you feel it is your duty as a fellow human being to help them out

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* ©Nicola Moors 2016

I got called a c*nt on Plenty of Fish, and it was liberating

A week ago, I joined the online dating website Plenty of Fish.

For those who don’t know, it’s a site where single people upload a couple of pictures of themselves, an insufferable ‘About Me’ biography, and statistics such as their height and religion – all in the hope of finding Mr Don’t Worry, You’re No Longer Going To Die Alone.

I’d always been a bit skeptical about joining. Partly because I’ve done a couple of stories with women who have been brutally attacked by guys they met online, and partly because it felt a bit too ‘officially looking 4 love’, a bit too ‘I’ve exhausted all of my other options and the panic has well and truly set in’.

Of course, I’d heard the horror stories. Policemen who turned out to be married with kids. Funeral directors who were 1ft 8in shorter than they’d indicated in their profiles. Dick pic after flaccid dick pic. But I’m a journalist to the core, and to be completely honest, I relished the idea of meeting some weirdos.

And I wasn’t disappointed. Within hours, I’d been snapped up by this delightful gentleman. Let’s call him Jack. Now Jack had a lovely little profile. Everything spelled correctly, no pictures of him on the toilet, no mention of bodily fluids. Plus he’d included a charming sentence about how he wasn’t on there for ‘fun’, and it was ‘time for mortgages and babies’. So when he messaged me, I replied.

But what initially started off as polite chit-chat rapidly turned into him trying to order my fanny off the internet like a £20 Pizza Hut meal deal. With nothing to do of an evening, I decided to play along:

pof-convo

For my efforts, I was called a cunt. Not a bitch, not a slag, but a cunt. LOL.

Because I wasn’t willing to hand over my genitals like a free cracker sample at Morrisons, I was deemed a cunt. Because I wasn’t up for bumping uglies with someone who couldn’t be bothered driving for half an hour to see me, I was decreed a cunt.

It’s not even that he was trying it on that annoyed me. Trust me, there’s been a new prime minister and an EU referendum since I last got my leg over: I know the drill. It’s that he thought it would be so easy. Like mate, I didn’t spend half an hour crafting a witty About Me section and uploading pictures of me looking swotty at my graduation to get prodded in a Premier Inn just off the M5.

I should probably be upset that a complete stranger called me a cunt, but if anything, it’s given me a bit of a buzz. Emboldened by my new title, I have begun parking across two spaces and talking loudly on my mobile in the quiet zone of the train.

Determined not to let my encounter scupper my Plenty of Fish experience, I have matched with some other guys and hope to have more stories to tell soon.

Cunt over and out.