RECIPE: Sparkly Princess Coconut Cake

RECIPE: Sparkly Princess Coconut Cake

Preparation time: 15 mins

Baking time: About three days longer than you think 



420g sugar

180g softened butter

470g flour

4 eggs

¾ can of coconut milk

120g desiccated coconut

1 teaspoon baking powder

½  teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon of almond or vanilla extract


Desiccated coconut and almond flakes for topping



  • Switch the oven on to Gas Mark 3, or if you are lucky enough not to own a cooker from the 16th century, 180°C.
  • Grease your cake tin with butter.
  • Gooey stuff in one bowl, dry stuff in another.


  • Mix the gooey stuff in with the dry stuff.
  • Realise you have incorrectly converted the measurements from US to metric and subsequently have to add around four tonnes of flour to achieve the correct mixture consistency.
  • End up with approximately 300% more mixture than you should have, and therefore have to (okay, maybe not have to) eat quite a lot of it straight from the bowl. Alternatively, you may put the excess mixture in another cake pan, or muffin cases, or a hat. You do you.


  • Go off and do something distracting, like stalking a girl you don’t like on Twitter or watching TV. Preferably something really engrossing like CSI, where you can get so impressed by your own super-sleuth detective skills that you completely forget you’ve got a cake in the oven and leave it baking for around nine hours longer than necessary.
  • Excellent news. You didn’t put enough baking powder in, so it hasn’t risen anyway and is a soggy, gloopy mess that looks like something Mulder found in a forest on The X-Files.
  • Check to see if there has been any miraculous progress in the last 15 seconds by stabbing the cake with a fork to see if it comes out clear. Repeat this process seven million times, ideally while tutting and shaking your head in disbelief.
  • Horribly realise that this cake isn’t having any of it. This cake has lost the will to bake. This cake has been stabbed more times than a Glaswegian drug dealer. This cake ain’t got no time for dat.


  • Plead with the cake to no avail. You’re having visions of your flatmates setting you on fire for using up all the gas. You’ve half-composed an email to your boss saying you can’t come in tomorrow because there’s no way you’re wasting £3.90 worth of ingredients and SO MUCH WASHING UP, and you subsequently have to see the bastard thing through to the grisly end. Kind regards.
  • Give up and decide that you would rather die of salmonella poisoning than have this cake mock you for one more second.
  • Remove from the oven while fatally burning at least one of your fingers.
  • Prod curiously, before breaking off a corner to nibble.
  • Think ‘Fuck, this actually tastes really weird’. Slather with jam and sprinkle with desiccated coconut and almond flakes to mask the aftertaste.
  • Leave to cool, take some cute pictures for social media, and then palm off slices to your flatmates and work colleagues in case it is poisonous.



  1. 24th July 2016 / 4:48 pm

    I can already taste this and I haven’t even made it yet! I am literally cackling at your wit. Great post and thank you! My dog introduced himself to my new neighbors this morning in quite possibly one of the worst ways, so I needed the laughs!

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